In understanding and managing anger it is vitally important to try and deal with anger as soon as it appears, and especially before it builds up to the point where it is explosive, overwhelming, or out of control. As soon as we notice it’s appearance we have the choice and opportunity to stop, identify and consider its origin, and to make the decision to respond and not react to it.
We experience anger in situations where we:
- Feel powerless or ‘forced into a corner’
- Are mistreated or believe we have been mistreated
- Are unable to feel in control in a situation we feel responsible for, or that needs to be brought under control
- Have been made to feel embarrassed, or have been shamed or humiliated
- Experience an event that taps into strong feelings unresolved from a situation that occurred in the past
- Believe an injustice has been done to us or someone else
- Are fearful but may not be fully aware of it.
The common denominator in all these situations is some sense of feeling fearful, powerless, or frustrated.
Anger is a reflexive response, that is, when it first occurs it does so, often without us being very conscious of it, and without us having conscious control of it. However, immediately we do become conscious of its occurrence we have the opportunity to choose to respond rather than to react to whatever has originated it. Whether we have a particular problem with anger or not this is a very valuable choice to practice daily.
Here is a sequence of simple strategies to follow to manage anger effectively:
- Decide to ‘take a step’ back and not react any further, or to retaliate, blame, accuse, or insult.
- Withdraw physically from the situation, if possible, to take some time to calm down and consider what has happened, and what to do.
- If you are unable to withdraw immediately and you are being verbally assaulted, ‘needled’ or provoked, activate an imaginary ‘mind shield.’ You can do this by electing a suitable ‘switch’ or ‘button,’ like touching or gently pressing the back of your neck with your finger or pressing the tips of a finger and thumb together. When you do this, you can imagine a shield being activated that doesn’t block your hearing, but does protect your mind, so that what is being said doesn’t affect you.
- Remove yourself to a place where you can relax and use a relaxation technique.
Relaxation, particularly of a kind that releases muscle tension, can help turn off the ‘fight or flight’ response. The nerves in muscles that are relaxed change the type of signals they transmit to the brain. The brain then stops sending panic messages to the body’s nervous system, and a general feeling of physical and mental calmness can begin to prevail. - For people who are often angry, there is little opportunity for high levels of muscle tension to diminish. The consequence of living with a high level of tension is that a state of tension becomes ‘normal’ and is taken for granted; so that being tense isn’t noticed. Becoming aware of tension in our body, and taking steps to release it, is crucial to the management of anger – and to maintaining good psychological and physical health.
You can download Understanding and Managing Anger as a comprehensive and detailed RESOURCE here. This resource explains in full what is presented here in this short article.
